Hoardervention

This is how it plays out in my mind nearly everyday as I survey my surroundings and climb over and around the randomness that we are forced to call "the apartment away from home."

Knock on apartment away from home door:

"Who's there?"

"Are you dressed?"

"Yes, Unless you are Johnny Depp - in which case I am completely nude and incredibly sexy. Oh and all alone and single, too.Who are you?"

"It's the combined crews from Hoarders and Intervention. We know that you are in there. Now we know that you are dressed and a loose woman."

"What do you want?"

"It's your mess. We want your filthy way of life to exploit on TV. We are here under the pretext to help you clean up yourself and your apartment, and hopefully in the process you'll embarrass yourself completely."

"But I don't need any help. I'm clean - ask Charlie Sheen -  I shower every day and I do ALL of the laundry in this crummy place. I'm happy when I take all of  my prescribed medication and don't need a hoardervention."

"Yes you do, you just don't realize it. And it'll make for really good TV, especially if you act defiant."

"Look I don't know who called you but, I'm okay and really don't want your help."

"Just open the door and let us talk to you - we promise that there are just a couple of wanna-be game show host psychologists, several members of your inbred family and a few dozen people holding camera and sound equipment."

"I would open the door but I have to get around the boxes of cooking equipment, linens and pillows and I don't want to spill my coffee on the carpet - I want my pet deposit back. Anyway, I'm afraid that the dog will get out."

"We can wait while you move a few things and lock the dog in the bedroom."

"His majesty can't stand being left alone - his anti-separation anxiety medication only works when coupled with a jar of Jif peanut butter and a wheel of cheese. Besides, I like my stuff just where it is."

"Well, when you let us inside we can film it so that you can see it in all of its glory on our HD channel. Next year we're going 3D."

"Um...I've  seen what they do on some of those shows. You're gonna be disappointed because I'm not into saving my used adult diapers as floor coverings or insulation for my leaky windows. In fact, I don't require the use of adult diapers - except when my sister and I start laughing - then it's a real middle age weeweefest - but we just mop up when we're done."

"We don't have to have a feces festival, we just want to see if we can find your floor with you."

"I have a floor - it's what I'm standing on.You guys aren't the brightest bulbs in the chandelier are you?"

"Can you please open the door? Our rental bus is charging us by the hour and our producers are operating on a very tight budget."

"If I do, will you promise to go away after you see that all is fine here?"

"Of course. After we film you amidst that mess that you call a living room."

"It is a living room - and unlike some of your hoarding/using stars' homes, I swear there's nothing dead in here."

"That's fine. We have cadaver dogs on standby. Will you open up now."

"No, my so-called problem is merely a figment of your collective imaginations."

"It's been reported that you have bags and boxes all piled up in there and that you are quite the collector."

"Yeah, well you have your house burn down, re-buy everything, and then come talk to me."

"So, you admit to the problem. We have your cousins-in-law from your father's side twice removed and they want to speak to you."

"Are they the ones that walk around their own homes with dustbusters slung on their hips in modified holsters?"

"They just consider dirt to be the enemy - it is okay to have your own opinion. They just want to let you know that you are loved."

"Love is fine. But me and my dust bunnies have a terrific relationship. I wouldn't call it love as much as mutual coexistence. I don't chase them and they are content to live under the end tables and television stand. I'd worry much more about the cousin's OCD with dirt than my affinity for it."

"It's getting dark and cold out here."

"Then I guess you should go some place that is well lit and warm - hell, just for an example."

"You're making a big mistake."

"No, I'm getting rid of one. I hear that there are still some media whores in Hollywood that haven't maxed out their time on TMZ or ET or one of those letter channels that makes you think of things other than television - I mean, really, ET is a movie. Try one of their doors, okay? Bye"

Then, I look at my boxes and bags covered in dust, marvel in my growing collection, and start thinking about what to buy next.