Hard to Satisfy

The other day I posted a long rant about the local DMV office. It seems that word must have spread because I am now being attacked by DMV's seeking revenge from places where I don't even live! Who knew the power of my little blog?

When I retrieved the mail yesterday and began to toss out the junk, there was an odd envelope addressed to me. I almost threw it in the trash as it looked like a mass mailing, but stopped to see what might be inside. The outer envelope said Department of Motor Vehicles, Adjudication Services, Washington DC.

Strange, I am thinking. Let's see what this could be. Certainly not notice that I have won the Mega Millions Lottery - although my time is due for that.

I open it to find that it is a Notice of Unsatisfied Parking Tickets. This makes me entirely Unsatisfied! That is because my car has never gotten a parking ticket and more importantly has never been to Washington DC. Unless it takes long road trips without telling me and is being driven by a ghost or Zombie in which case I got more problems than a parking ticket.

How do you Satisfy a Parking Ticket?
 I don't think that I want to know.

Upon reading said notice, not only is it a $50 ticket, but they have tacked on another $50 for my failure to pay.

The unsubstantiated charges placed against me list the car "Make" as MERZ. Unless that stands for Momvan with Enhanced Rearwindow Zombies, they've got the wrong gal.

Now, I must fight The Man. Unfortunately this "man" lives and breathes in our nation's capital, not Mayberry RFD. I can't just wander down to Floyd's Barber shop and tell Andy that Barney made another mistake. I try calling the phone number listed on the form. There are no humans at this number.

Every branch of the phone tree is a dead end, and yelling "help" or "operator" into the receiver gets me nowhere. Now I'm more Unsatisfied than I was earlier. I try various methods of obtaining help on the phone, not limited to threatening bodily harm to the recorded voice at the other end of the line. Strangely enough, telling that voice where he could shove the ticket, did not get any response.

Second try is the computer to attempt contact through their web site. This yields more information on how to contest the ticket. I have two lovely choices. Tell us Monty Hall what is behind door #1? Oooh, I can make a PERSONAL appearance in DC. That would cost me way more than the $100. Let me try Door #2, please. Oh, I have to submit PROOF ("27 8x10 color glossy photographs with circles and arrows and a paragraph on the back of each one") that it wasn't my car.

I take pictures of the front of my Momvan to show the tags and inspection sticker. I really wanted to take one of the back with my Zombies, but they didn't ticket the car for it's excellent taste in window decor. We scan in my car registration to show that the plates belong to my car and not a MERZ (although I wouldn't mind owning a merz - convertible, if anyone is interested in making me Satisfied). The web site lets you upload your Proof and then they will make a decision within 60 days.

Thus, due to somebody's error, I got to spend quality time with my car proving that she isn't a felon. Poor Momvan's feelings are a bit hurt, being falsely accused and all.

So now at the risk of being bombarded with false accusations from DMV's across the country, I say that not only do DMV's operate in an alternate universe and are manned by aliens, but they are LIARS LIARS PANTS ON FIRE!!!