As a Jew, I was not raised with a concept of heaven and hell. That's one thing that good old Jewish guilt can't hold over your head. When we die, we hope to live on in the memories of others and hopefully be remembered as having done good while on this earth.
If I believed in Hell, I would certainly be afraid as I would be going there in my hand basket. And If I thought clearly before I left, I would pack the following in my hand basket for the day that Hell finally froze over:
iPhone with 4g - Hell probably doesn't have wifi and I'll want to upload a video to YouTube
Ice skates - note to self, learn to skate
Hand warmers - my fingers get a bit arthritic in the cold
Lottery ticket - I'll no doubt have won
And lastly, toilet paper, bread, and milk - because everyone needs these when the streets are going to ice over
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I wrote the above at the last minute, unable to clear a fog that has settled in on my brain. And then I get this emailed to me from the safety of her college dorm...
I’m very offended! Why would you think hell is like that?! You know I run hell. Why do you think I would run it like that? Of course we have wi-fi. What else would I do in my spare time? You don’t need to bring ice skates. We have our own that are extra sharp so you can skate over people and cut them in half. You will only be cold if you don’t go near the fires of the damned, which are all over. Your lottery ticket is not needed; we have our own version of the lottery. Toilet paper, bread, and milk are also not needed. We have a Walmart. It’s in the seventh circle. Just bring plenty of chocolate!
See you soon!
Laughingdaughter/Her Royal Cuteness/The Devil
Be sure to skate on over to We Work for Cheese and see who else is in the devil's domain.
Ha ha this is awesome!!!! I love what will be in the hand basket!!!!
ReplyDeleteAh yes, as a fellow Jew I am super glad we don't have to worry about heaven or hell!
ReplyDeleteAnd I am laughing hysterically at your daughters email!
Hee Hee. Your hand basket is full! I'm right smack in the middle of the "fire and brimstone" Bible belt. Hearing about the soul burning....er... freezing eternally was a threat from a very early age. I'll be sure to bring chocolate.
ReplyDeleteSounds like you're well prepared should that frosty event occur. And chocolate is valuable everywhere.
ReplyDeleteWe have a Walmart. It’s in the seventh circle.
ReplyDeleteHA!! (Incidentally, have you been to my place to see what happened at Walmart last Friday? I bet that kid thought he was in hell... and it was 20 degrees out so....)
I love that she put Walmart in the 7th circle. Where else would it be, right? I'm assuming there's also a bar there. Make sure she saves me a seat.
ReplyDeleteWalMart? Hell, indeed.
ReplyDeleteWhat's the prevailing thoughts regarding Purgatory? Because I am so going there.
ReplyDeleteYou crack me up, lady. I loved your list.
ReplyDeleteIt'll truly be hell once your iPhone's battery dies. All the power plugs in Hell are European, and there are no adapters.
ReplyDelete"Her Royal Cuteness/Devil"
ReplyDeleteHAHAHAHA